I Saw You

Being transgender or even going out dressed occasionally can be a challenge.  We all have our struggles.  This was written a couple years ago and never published.   It's based on true experiences of being dressed in public.

I see you over there, looking at me.  Are you one of the people that hates me without knowing me?  Do you think I'm a joke?  Are you somebody who doesn't care?  Do you see me and understand that it's not easy for me, but it's who I am?  Do you want to talk to me, but for some reason you don't?  Do you think to yourself, "Big deal, just live and and be happy?"  Are you somebody like me, but afraid to be yourself in a sometimes unforgiving world?

I saw you that day and tried to just walk by.  I was taking some of my first steps in the world as the girl I am, and I was worried you might react to the site of me.  I hate that I have to do that.  Walking on egg shells around people I don't know when I'm doing nothing wrong.  But, sad to say I was right.  You tried to trip me.  You laughed at me and called me a fag.  I just kept walking.  Who are you to judge me?

I saw you that day walking with your girl friends.  You giggled as you walked past me.  I understand, but you've got me all wrong.  I'm not trying to amuse you.  I just want to be me.  You are so lucky to be born with such beauty, but I don't think you're better than me.  It was just a brief moment as we walked in opposite directions.

I saw you that day when you rolled down your window and called to me.  Not sure why a stranger would stop at a red light and talk to me.  But you were a nice lady.  You told me you loved my nails.  I smiled and thanked you.  For that moment, I felt like one of the girls.  I hope you received a compliment later that day that made you feel twice as good as you made me feel.

I saw you that day, driving down the road with your buddies.  You called me a fag, and you all laughed.  What's so funny about being transgender?  That doesn't make me gay, by the way.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.  I have to wonder, though.  Are you gay?  Or one of your friends?  Transgender?  If you were and I saw you walking down the street, I wouldn't judge you.

I saw you driving up the road and you felt the need to call me a fag and threaten me.  You did it every time you saw me.  I'm not a pushover, and I will not lay down if you attack me, though one of us might die in that confrontation.  Just the same, I don't walk that way anymore.  Are you happy with yourself?

I saw you that day when I accidentally bumped into you in front of a store.  I was looking in the window to see if they had what I was looking for on the shelf.  Awkwardly, I opened the door for you in an attempt to apologize, but you refused.  You told me you could open your own damn door, so I walked in and you followed me.  For some reason, you thought you needed to call me a freak as you walked past.  I didn't let that stand, and I'm not proud of myself for not letting it slide as just a girl who didn't understand.  I thought you might, and I explained why you were wrong.  Being a black woman, I thought you would understand a little about hate, but you just laughed.  I wonder if anything sunk in.  Does it even matter?

I saw you that day when you stopped your truck and waited for me to walk by.  In some ways, guys like you are just as bad as the ones that call me names.  You see me as somebody who will put out, because girls like me are automatically sluts, right?  Where are the guys who want to get to know you better?

I saw you that day at the train station.  You knew what you wanted from me  I'd seen you before.  I tried to leave without you noticing me, but you knew what I was up to.  I was no fool.  I knew what you wanted from me.  I felt like you were the hunter and I was the prey, but I knew you wouldn't hurt me.  I knew what you wanted from me, and for the first time I submitted.  Not all the way.  I'm not giving it all up so easily, but I did make you happy.  It's not the last time we met.  It's not the last time I've done this.  I know nothing truly meaningful will come of this.

I saw you at the store, you were so nice to me.  You even told me I looked pretty.  Me?  Really? You even gave me a few tips.  And if you see me walking by, you always smile and wave to me.  It means a lot.

I saw you walk by and give me a knowing look.  Not like the looks I get from some other women.  You look like you understand.  You look like somebody that wouldn't mind having me as a friend.  Is that what you were thinking?  I don't know.  I show you the respect of smiling back as I walk by, not knowing if we could have been friends or not.

I saw you at the store.  You smile at me and always say hi.  If I haven't been there for a while, you acknowledge that fact.  You have a pretty smile.  I get the feeling that you like me, but I don't know.  I haven't had many women at all that really liked me.  I'd say something, but I don't want to mess this up.  Maybe I'm handling it wrong, but I don't know.

I saw you that day when you pulled over and motioned me to your truck.  What would a lady want with me?  You asked me a few questions about my makeup and hair.  You offered to help and even told me you had some blouses at home I could wear.  You opened up to me about yourself and some of the struggles in your life.  We were gonna get together and you we're gonna help me with my makeup and hair, but I never heard from you.  I think I probably blew it, and that makes me sad.  I think we could have been good friends, and I think you needed one just as much as I did.  Should we meet again, I won't let it slip away so easily next time.

I may have seen you walking somewhere.  I don't know where.  I don't know when.  You probably saw me, and I didn't realize it.  You haven't taken the steps that I have.  You want to, but you don't know if you can.  That's okay.  I understand.  It ain't easy.  I can only tell you I've done what I know is best for me.  For you, it depends on you.  You may not want to, no matter how it makes you feel inside.  Then again, you may.  Whatever you do, as long as you are true to yourself, I support you.  I will never call you a fag or a freak.  I won't laugh at you.  And if you see me on the street, you can talk to me if you want.  I won't ignore you.